my urge

The urge to do things... For someone like me who has a very difficult time staying focused (attributed to ADHD), in the middle of a task or activity I get the urge to do something else. It has made me a really impulsive person. I get very strong feelings in situations. So I can be very upset and in a moment's notice have no feeling at all for the previous moment where I got upset. It doesn't sound very normal.

Sometimes I have to duel with these urges especially when its something of significance. I have to fight myself everyday to make sure I won't send a text message or an email. I think of ways I can better myself so that I can be ready if I ever get the chance to gain back a friendship.

Another urge, I force myself to resist the temptation of asking for help from my friends. I know that they can help and wouldn't think differently of me but I don't want to change the dynamics of the relationship. In my world, showing vulnerability for me is like walking around naked.

The biggest urge which makes me either closer or distant from people is my urge to tell people how I feel about them. When you get to know someone and you observe in the manner that I do, I get to see who they are. They might think they are projecting themselves off a certain way but I look past that stuff to see how do they really think. When you live in LA and you see a lot of facades, you just get sick of it and want to tell people. But its like undressing someone and it has to have a time and place. I just don't have a good enough of a filter to stop from these things coming out subtly or in very clever/unclever ways depending on how you see it.

I don't think I see things that other don't see. Sometimes I'm just paying more attention than them for curiosity sakes.