uncertainty

This is the first time I've had a chance to blog in a few days. Part of the uncertainty of my life. I never know how the day is going to go and what it will take from me, but more importantly what it will leave me when my head hits the pillow. What thoughts will cross me before I fall into suspended animation wondering the next day what the hell that dream was about. Life is unstable and it shakes you to the core when the other stable lives around you get rocked with uncertainty.

In a few days I came across a friend who went from certainty with 'the one' to singledom. One of the good guys... When he called me in the middle of the day I knew things weren't right. I have a 6 sense when it comes to things not being right. I can hide it with my stubborness. I had to talk him through it, give him some hope and help him find a way to harness those thoughts and turn them into something positive. I didn't want him to go through what I went through. It was like when Luke Skywalker in the Empire Strikes Back, going into the cave and facing himself, in imaginary battle with Darth Vader. It was a little disheartening hearing my friend's story but it gave me power. I didn't make the mistake Luke did... I didn't bring my weapons and I fought myself to find the courage to admit defeat to my friend in a casual manner. That was what he needed, more importantly, that was HAD to do.

The same day an old family friend shocked me beyond words. She told me had broken up with her college sweetheart of 6 years. She fell for another guy only to leave her because HE was ready to commit and she still had medical school and other obligations that came first. Once again, someone was leaning on me to talk to them through it. The both of us have a history of pouring our hearts out to each other. In world envisioned by our parents we would have married by now. But she's the only sister that I have that I can talk to openly that understands my family and understands me at the same time. I would dare be as open with my cousin-sisters. They simply know be my nickname and we are dance around subjects that our family would consider taboo. We always talk with pleasantry and keep our secrets. Despite all that, they mean the world to me.

But my old family friend and I have seen the worst sides of each other, and have seen the best sides in the same instance. Sometimes I wish that we could be together to make it easier on everyone around us, but we would kill each other. And if you would have seen the way we teased each other or fought growing up, 911 would need to be on speed dial. I say that half-heartedly but we're too close. There's certain pranks I pulled that if I told her to this day, the humor would be gone. I chalk it up being a little troublemaker and her being resentful to the closeness I share with her brother. So no one needs to know what happened to her toothbrush... I'll leave it at that.

The uncertainty I see in others now, vindicates my lifestyle. Its a paradox because its hard for me to deal with change but at the same time there's always something new and exciting for me. But when I know that my struggles helps the ones who rely on me for strength I know that, it's not just me living with a lot of uncertainty. When you play that game it goes both ways....