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Life is filled with those unsatisfying moments. Those ones where you wish you could do more but you can’t do anything at all. You’re stuck with what you got even thought it’s not that bad but you expected something much better. I’ve painted myself into a corner of dissatisfaction. Let me flashback and then I’ll tie it all together.
For the more than a year I’ve had to live with feeling inadequate. That I wasn’t good enough and I had to find a way to get better otherwise I wouldn’t get the things out of life that I wanted. I’ve felt more alone than I have in a long time. Even with my closest friends, there was no way I they could feel what I was feeling. There was a void and it had certain grooves within that made it impossible to fill. Things can change so much over a year or 2 years… That void wasn’t as significant before but experiences and people and things just change what you want/need.
Its hard to even write this because there’s not linear thought process here, there’s no metaphor, or example I can mock up to make it sound coherent.
The basic story is already there. Read any blogs from about December 2007 to July 2008 and it will tell the story of an imperfect man who got caught up with a girl in a flurry of emotions and the whole thing ending abruptly. Without full acceptance he moved on as he tried to maintain a connection with her because he thought they both needed it. It was just a very turbulent ride with a lot of unexpected twists and turns. It ended up with both of being in the position of leading the planning on one of the most important events their community puts together. The complicated yet simplified working relationship was going to be the microcosm of everything.
I never had anybody that had this least amount of faith in me who should know me so well. I can’t find anyone that would say these things about me that she says about me. Even the people that know me best know where I’m inconsistent and rather than being negative about it they give positive reinforcement. That’s the kind of people I need in my life. I don’t need people expecting me to fail, taking away the chance to succeed even, people who insult me in front of other people and then call me too sensitive. I don’t want anybody in my life that is going to treat me unequally with others around and say that I’m making up issues because I’m holding onto the past.
I can’t be around someone who pretends that things are ok for the sake of normalcy. It would be one thing if it was for the sake of others, or for a greater cause. I will stop extending my arms when I’ve been pushed away enough times. I did my best to care selflessly but hey everything is optional. I may not be as close to anyone as I think I am but I know that’s not because I haven’t made an effort. And sometimes you just don’t want to be close, I understand. But we all deserve more respect than that.
One thing that I’m not supposed to tolerate is being up hung up on. I’ve tolerated that way too much and I’ve made it known many times what that means to me. I absolutely took my last hang up.
If these were legitimate flaws in my personality then wouldn’t others that know me well point them out to me?? Let me correct myself, they wouldn’t be pointed out to me as they have been brought to my attention at the point of any argument.
I’ve tried to do what I thought was the right thing at all times, just as everyone else. I don’t put my opinion above anybody else’s opinion. I’ve looked at things as objectively as I could and well… We’re all flawed and she’s just as flawed as I am. People really believe in me, that was something I’m trying to grasp.
I have a blog and she can read it and see some of things going on in my mind but I can’t see whets going on in her mind and that skews what I know is going on. I guess I have to just keeping walking through until I find my path.
So to get back to my story…. I’ve put myself in an awkward position. And I have at least 6 months until I can definitely say that I am starting over. Which is dissatisfying. There’s a lot more that I can go into as far as what else I learned this weekend, but there’s no need. I think I got something out of it.
All I’ve been doing is trying to find myself and I don’t want to analyzed.