i cant stop believing

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball underneath my desk and just hide from the world with no responsibilities as if I didn't exist. Then somehow this song finds me in the most mysterious ways....

Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit
He took the midnight train goin anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

(chorus)

Dont stop believin
Hold on to the feelin
Streetlight people

horrible video, great car song

betrayal

I'm not really trying to throw a pity party. I'm not trying to show how much my life sucks right now, it just so happens for whatever reason all the most annoying, stupid, time-consuming, stress-driving bullshit seems to find me. I haven't blogged on this incident even though it all went down saturday night/ sunday morning because of other stuff. To digress for a few sentences, I had another off-the-wall dream and I'm not going to go into details on that one because it doesn't do much for anyone really.

So on Sunday morning my Store Manager quit. The one that was my security blanket. She was the one that made it ok for me to leave town and the weekend before last and she was one that made me feel a little comfortable knowing that I don't know a flippin thing about doing taxes. Well, she quit literally, out of nowhere. I wasn't even shocked, I went straight into, 'fetal position'. And I don't care I'm putting her name on blast because she didn't just betray me as a colleague, but she betrayed me as a friend. She treated me like her little brother. I looked to her for her support and guidance for this business. Now, I am all alone and it will for sure affect this tax season.

"After careful consideration, of my present medical conditions I can't continue with your organizations. I am currently in a mental state from my current employer that does not allow me to be the person that I truly am.

I will send your keys via email and would like to have my final check mail to me. I hope you a very successful future in all that you do.

Thank you for the opportunity but my mental state will not allow me to continue at this time.

Please do not contact me as this is my final decisions.

Thanks,

Paula Rush"

So why does this matter? Because so much was put on her and her ability - of which she had much - is now gone and I have fill that void ASAP. Since she gave me absolutely no notice I have to sacrifice my time which means money and pretty much Superbowl weekend back home. FUCK!!!!!!! And this might sound strange but she severed all ties with me and her family and that is just as hurtful. I pretty much tutored her 8 year-old daughter every afternoon. The one thing she will remember is her multiples of 8 tables because I made sure she wouldn't keep asking me what was 8 x 8. You took that away from me Paula.

Everything was absolutely ok on Saturday night, so what happened in a less than 12 hour period to flip completely around? If she can't tell the truth to me of all people then there is something wrong with her mental state. I mean, there is alway s3 sides to a story. If anyone is going to quit on short notice and leave me completely fucked, its going to be an employee of mine. And where's the logic????

more crazy dreaming

I imagine being in a place you don't want to be surrounded by people that don't even acknowledge you or care to acknowledge you as far as your concerned. You don't even know why you're there. And your only friend is a cute little toddler that you've never met before. Strange.

this isnt how it was supposed to be

Around every corner on the path of life there seems to be an unexpected detour which sends me reeling. When I'm really frustrated and angry I start thinking, 'this isnt how it was supposed to be'. It seems like my life continues to get more stressful and with no added reward in it. I'm playing catch up trying to make up for lost time to get back on path.

People have to deal with a lot worse things then I have to I know and do my best to sympathize with them. There's a comes a point when it becomes funny. There's other times when it becomes part of a larger story with a larger meaning.

Right now, I know one thing; I have to live my life with complete uncertainty because if I look forward to something I will lose it.

im so homo

"Breakaway"

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

my brother is .... learning

I told myself I would stop making fun of him even if it is really the truth. But he's sensitive to people he looks up to just like me. How do you pass up an opportunity to be a part of the superbowl?????????? Are you kidding me?? The superbowl committee was looking for volunteers to help out with the halftime show. Now this kid didnt want to because he wanted to watch the game. Dude, we dont even have HD at home, you're not missing much. AND how many opportunities do you get to say you were part of the superbowl much less be experience what goes on behind the scenes even if you're not watching the game from the seats. You can tape it. Plus you will get free parking!!

So I am trying to get to the superbowl extremely hard. I would have done it. I'm working on a ticket but if not I have some connections that will at least put me at work inside the superbowl. I'm working on my credentials and if I can do it. I strive at being places I shouldn't be at. But in my hometown? Yo, I'm supposed to be there.

my creative juices

The whole act of creating something, producing something has gotten into me once again. Every time I get a chance to produce marketing material or work on a marketing campaign I get a rush. When I get to do those things I get energized.

I got a chance this weekend working on a video and I realized how much I'm missing out on doing that. I used to be so creative with arts even on a real small scale. There is something to be said when you get to literally or figuratively put your hands on something and turn it into something that people enjoy, well you've made something that is infinite.

joke i heard yesterday

One of my employees is black so I guess it makes it ok repeat. I thought it was funny.

Why don't black people dream?

Cuz the last n*** that had a dream got shot.

Happy MLK DAY!

NO TITLE

Life is filled with those unsatisfying moments. Those ones where you wish you could do more but you can’t do anything at all. You’re stuck with what you got even thought it’s not that bad but you expected something much better. I’ve painted myself into a corner of dissatisfaction. Let me flashback and then I’ll tie it all together.
For the more than a year I’ve had to live with feeling inadequate. That I wasn’t good enough and I had to find a way to get better otherwise I wouldn’t get the things out of life that I wanted. I’ve felt more alone than I have in a long time. Even with my closest friends, there was no way I they could feel what I was feeling. There was a void and it had certain grooves within that made it impossible to fill. Things can change so much over a year or 2 years… That void wasn’t as significant before but experiences and people and things just change what you want/need.
Its hard to even write this because there’s not linear thought process here, there’s no metaphor, or example I can mock up to make it sound coherent.
The basic story is already there. Read any blogs from about December 2007 to July 2008 and it will tell the story of an imperfect man who got caught up with a girl in a flurry of emotions and the whole thing ending abruptly. Without full acceptance he moved on as he tried to maintain a connection with her because he thought they both needed it. It was just a very turbulent ride with a lot of unexpected twists and turns. It ended up with both of being in the position of leading the planning on one of the most important events their community puts together. The complicated yet simplified working relationship was going to be the microcosm of everything.
I never had anybody that had this least amount of faith in me who should know me so well. I can’t find anyone that would say these things about me that she says about me. Even the people that know me best know where I’m inconsistent and rather than being negative about it they give positive reinforcement. That’s the kind of people I need in my life. I don’t need people expecting me to fail, taking away the chance to succeed even, people who insult me in front of other people and then call me too sensitive. I don’t want anybody in my life that is going to treat me unequally with others around and say that I’m making up issues because I’m holding onto the past.
I can’t be around someone who pretends that things are ok for the sake of normalcy. It would be one thing if it was for the sake of others, or for a greater cause. I will stop extending my arms when I’ve been pushed away enough times. I did my best to care selflessly but hey everything is optional. I may not be as close to anyone as I think I am but I know that’s not because I haven’t made an effort. And sometimes you just don’t want to be close, I understand. But we all deserve more respect than that.
One thing that I’m not supposed to tolerate is being up hung up on. I’ve tolerated that way too much and I’ve made it known many times what that means to me. I absolutely took my last hang up.
If these were legitimate flaws in my personality then wouldn’t others that know me well point them out to me?? Let me correct myself, they wouldn’t be pointed out to me as they have been brought to my attention at the point of any argument.
I’ve tried to do what I thought was the right thing at all times, just as everyone else. I don’t put my opinion above anybody else’s opinion. I’ve looked at things as objectively as I could and well… We’re all flawed and she’s just as flawed as I am. People really believe in me, that was something I’m trying to grasp.
I have a blog and she can read it and see some of things going on in my mind but I can’t see whets going on in her mind and that skews what I know is going on. I guess I have to just keeping walking through until I find my path.
So to get back to my story…. I’ve put myself in an awkward position. And I have at least 6 months until I can definitely say that I am starting over. Which is dissatisfying. There’s a lot more that I can go into as far as what else I learned this weekend, but there’s no need. I think I got something out of it.
All I’ve been doing is trying to find myself and I don’t want to analyzed.

sigh

Sometimes I just want to burst. You can have so many emotions and feelings all running through you for a million different things and just need an outlet. I need to get to the gym and I need to have some time to myself to develop more original content for this blog.... In the meantime;



I could have been any weezer song but I love singing this one.

oldie but goodie

I remember singing this in the car with my best friend. We're 2 creeps.




When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

my morbid curiousity

I have a morbid curiosity for things that aren't my business... I can't help that. It can be at times one of my best qualities and other times it can be taken as nosy, and psychotic. Whatever, thats what people want to think that is fine.

In a few days I am going to see my ex-girlfriend and I was thinking that other than our working relationship I don't think we will be friends after that. It doesn't have to be that way but its just how it is. I don't know what it is that I do but we just have walls up between us and they are there most of the time. Thats just what it is I think. I don't know but I've tried. When someone thinks that everything you do has an intention behind that is self-serving, well, the only thing you can do is just stop making the effort eventually.

I've debated on this for a few days because well, anytime I try to make a point on my blog directly it seems to be a mistake or it goes horribly wrong. Because I know that this will be read eventually... so forget it.

pearl jam

worst video for one of their best songs. they never made an official video for this song sadly




Waitin, watchin the clock, its four oclock, its got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man...
Cant find a better man (2x)
Ohh...

Talkin to herself, theres no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears hes gone
She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man...
Cant find a better man (2x)
Yeah...

She loved him, yeah...she dont want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...thats why shell be back again
Cant find a better man (3x)
Cant find a better...man...
Ohh...ohh...
Uh huh... (5x)
Ohh...

slow down

Like Ferris said in his movie. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it."

It's already the 10th day of 2008. How did that happen? When that routine just starts crushing any freedom in semblance of a fun life, we have to start cherishing everyday. So my News Years Resolution is to find something in the day that I can hold on for something. And I'm going to learn more and listen more in this year. My time is up its time to learn something.

crazy dream

I love how these dreams hit me. I had a dream that I was at some sort of family function, possibly wedding. Anyways I had a bunch of my best friends there. Well there was this group of girls there and there ringleader was this on the surface amazing single girl. Well all my friends are in relationships and they wanted to see me and her together. So in a perfect orchestra of events, somehow we worked together as a harmonious team 'courting' this young lady. It was a sight to see. Obviously 18 hours later I can't share any details because most of the dream is gone but damn we were smooth. They were just putting me in situations and pumping me up to her in such a comical but effective way that she couldn't resist, just by the sheer effort. Well, not just the effort I mean there was substance. But I spent all this time getting her on the team I didn't spend enough time making sure she was right for me. And over that event, a few days long, it was obvious that she wasn't my type and I was reminded by running into somebody who pretty much told me so.

I was doing all this because I was supposed to. All the wrong reasons for the right outcome. My dreams are so complicated, they kill my early mornings when I wake up and start thinking about them....

encounter at the bank

Dude, some guy tried to rob me or something at the ATM this morning. Not going into a full on detailed account lets put it this way, it was quite an ordeal. It was a little scary and what scared me is what this guy was going to do. I know that my stubborness gets the best of me but hey, I could see the Hawthorne Police Department and I was in such a rush anyways that I blew that clown off in a very bold move I'd have to say, but a necessary one to secure my safety.

Does this stuff just happen to me or do I bring it on somehow? I am a magnet to weird stuff like this, and when enough time passes its cool to tell the stories but I think I have enough stories to share as it is.

words from others, i hope their true

XXXXX: that you're are REALLY great leader...you consider everyone's opinion and manage based on commitment and ability rather than being a "renegade"
you've created "a clearing" or a space for others to show up that way
and while you may not recognize it...from over here it's definitely expanding to the team

me: naw... im just lazy and i have to delegate... lol

XXXXX: LOL, that's EXACTLY was i just telling a friend earlier, haha! Isn't it so much easier that way?!

how do i make this relevant? to the world? to anyone?

A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

no one

stupid music industry. the official video is disabled from embedding on other webpages.




Alicia Keys Lyrics

2008

helluva way to start the new year. you're looking at the #1 2008 New Franchisee for Liberty Tax. Sometimes its better to hold in what you're really feeling and turn it positively into what could be a monumental accomplishment.

Survival turns into success if you stay hungry and never forget where you came from and never forget those who doubted you or those who didn't help you, or even those who just didn't understand or care to understand. I'm not a fighter or an angry person, but when I get motivation, its a beautiful thing...

yuuuuuuuuuuuu

That was the theme of the weekend. If you're not familiar with the soulja boy dance.



YUUUUUUUUU

I spent the entire weekend with 3 married couples. Its weird, there's no way to not feel awkward. Its impossible to not be the 7th wheel. We had a lot of fun and I learned a lot about married couples. I thought that the things that annoyed me just annoyed me but it was comforting to see how it annoys everyone. Just those little things couples fight about everyone fights about. I saw one of my friends' wife get completely disgusted at her husband and wanting nothing to do with him during a game of Cranium. I saw the whole circle of annoyance. But you know in the end if you want to be with someone you put up with that stuff and you make fun of that stuff later. You just find a happy medium because noone is perfect and noone's poopoo don't stink!

There was several times when I thought wow, these women put up with a lot of shit. A lot of the stuff my friends do I couldn't see myself doing. I don't think I would be flipping my wife off while I was passed out at the IHOP when she tried to feed me food at 3 in the morning after a long new years eve. (HYPOTHETICALLY). I thought when stuff looked really lame, is this what I have to look forward to?

The other thing is that married couples are always tring to get their friends together so they can do more married couple stuff with their friends. They tried to set me up with on 2 different occasions this weekend. Its kind of offensive to me, because these people know me, they know what my type is. But, hey I appreciate their help and I understand that you never know. But whatever.