Partying. Dinners, brunch in the Long Beach Harbor. Watching movies, bullshitting, goofing off. Playing Taboo and Crainium. Too bad I got work because thats messing up this long weekend. Can't wait until NYE. More to come later on this fantastic weekend that put me behind in work in so many ways.... But it was worth it.
LA traffic sucks. Even when there is no traffic during the holidays there is too many morons driving around thinking that no one else is on the road. By the way, thats an everyday occurrence. I want to give a big middle finger to the asshole that threw the banana on my car that I can't get off. You are an idiot. Was that funny to you or are you just that inconsiderate, that's the only real question I have for you jerk.
Work. Too much to do, no time and everyone puts the pressure of leading on me whether they do it intentionally or not. If you are going to put me in that position you are going to get it my way, not your way with me doing the work. You know what really sucks... all this work is clouding my mind. I mean I'm always in a stressful state of mind. I don't take care of the things that I need to take care of because I just flat out don't want to. It clouds my emotions and feelings. All this work takes precedence over people and relationships and myself. Thats not fair! I don't feel like myself...
Relationships. How is it that everybody I know is in a relationship? Everyone. Did I miss the boat or something? People keeping asking me whats up with me? WTF. I don't know, I'm a loser, sorry. I guess I wasted my youth and I will never be happy now. I'll have to settle for someone when I'd rather have more. You're lucky, I'm a doochbag.
You would think that venting would help but all it does is make me sad. Well on the bright side at least I have work to dominate my mind for the rest of my pathetic existence, right?!?!?
I don't know how much longer I can keep going at this rate, living like this and living day to day. I need some vision in the future to tell me this is all worth it.
Between my brother, my dad, and myself, I can't tell you how much stuff was lost in a 48 hour period. I worked so hard this weekend, we all did. We fought with each other. There's one thing that is glaring to me. My dad has a huge learning curve to get through to understand how small business gets done. Its not like corporate America and you can't waste time on little details, you have to move thorugh things quickly because you'll never get through it. eh.. I'm trying to push him through it buts extremely frustrating. I'm exhausted...
First of all, before I get to the actual news I have to talk about my day. I woke up feeling completely horrible. I missed my alarm and was 2 hours late to work. I thought I was just really tired. I realized somewhere along the drive to work that I was sick. And that it feels like the flu. I'm still hoping its from bad food. I did eat some nachoes of questionable integrity late last night and I'm embarrassed to say that. It was sitting out for more than a few hours with sour cream and guacamole on it. I thought my iron stomach could take it but I'm hoping thats why I got sick. Either way I toughed it out at work and we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I need to sleep soon.
Stupid X-mas party last night. Didn't want to be there, showed up late and got last. Was not informed to wear a tie so looked like a jackass. Listened to people talk about nonsense and miss the suns game even though the bar tv was tantalizingly close. I tried to resist temptation knowing that I had the game on the DVR at home. Unfortunately the outcome was something I should have just known ahead of time to avoid wasting 2 hours. Good game though, just only needed to watch the last 3 minutes.
So I radically changed my look. The fro is gone. I'm sporting some hybrid fohawk thing. I still don't know how I feel because I changed my identity now. People are going to freak out. The way I see it, I look good either way I just want to know which way would make me look better. This is different for me and I feel like I'm doing the mainstream thing but we will see how it feels when people see it. The thing is if I had a girlfriend or something I would just let her choose my hair. But since I don't, I have to make these tough decisions on my own. I just went to my stylist and told him hey, do whatever you want. And thats what he did.
I just got a guy $1.5 million from a business plan I wrote. Yay? or Hey!! I don't think I'll ever be happy with how much I'm compensated.
Shes got the whole package and she even writes her own songs. In 10 years she will be the next Tyra after Tyra becomes the next Ophra.
When people get busy they seem to ignore people and get irritated by people and they're all grumpy, present company NOT excluded. I do it just like everyone else. Anyways, goin to sleep hope I wake up in the morning. I had an amazing drive through the Angeles National Forest to my client's site. I really wanted to stop and take pictures if I had my 35mm SLR. We drove through these winding canyons and I got to see some of the destruction that some of the fires did. I would have taken the sweetest pictures of these burnt up treats that didn't make it to the top and would have looked siiick in black and white. Oh well...
As the days fly by and years add up we continue to evolve and survive, that includes me too... But you know, sometimes survival leads us to success or happiness and sometimes it just is survival. I've been able to survive by continuing to do things I've never done before. In professional sense, I've always taken on things that I knew nothing about it, faked it, and became successful. Maybe fake is too strong of a word but I definitely didn't know what the hell I was doing a lot of the time and I for sure felt overwhelmed.
Tomorrow, before ths sun comes out I will be on my way to a client's site doing what my firm does, using our methodology, a methodology that I don't fully understand yet and have no practical use of. Yeah, I'll get through it, but I don't want to. When you look to people for encouragement you always hear the same thing. You'll do fine, and yada yada yada. I wish instead of trying to give me encouragement someone could tell me something to get me over the hump. I hate going into work with a bad attitude. So many of us go in bitter because of the strain that work has put on us.
So thats what I long for. Someone telling me things to get me over the hump. I also long for the ability to wake up on time. I hope I wake up on time and I hope I don't screw this up. Rise and shine at 6:3o... Seeing the sun rise is unnatural, unless you've been up all night.
As the days fly by and years add up we continue to evolve and survive, that includes me too... But you know, sometimes survival leads us to success or happiness and sometimes it just is survival. I've been able to survive by continuing to do things I've never done before. In professional sense, I've always taken on things that I knew nothing about it, faked it, and became successful. Maybe fake is too strong of a word but I definitely didn't know what the hell I was doing a lot of the time and I for sure felt overwhelmed.
Tomorrow, before ths sun comes out I will be on my way to a client's site doing what my firm does, using our methodology, a methodology that I don't fully understand yet and have no practical use of. Yeah, I'll get through it, but I don't want to. When you look to people for encouragement you always hear the same thing. You'll do fine, and yada yada yada. I wish instead of trying to give me encouragement someone could tell me something to get me over the hump. I hate going into work with a bad attitude. So many of us go in bitter because of the strain that work has put on us.
So thats what I long for. Someone telling me things to get me over the hump. I also long for the ability to wake up on time. I hope I wake up on time and I hope I don't screw this up.
I was one of the 1.2 million that downloaded the 400 page report and spent a half hour at work thumbing through it. It confirms what I've been saying since 2005, Clemens is on steroids. No one is suppose to get better in their 40s. Michael Jordan was a shell of himself in his forties... The difference is since he is most likely the greatest athlete and competitor in the history of organized sports and also the greatest to play his sport that the Universe has ever seen. But I'm comparing apples to oranges. Let me make all this sports talk relevant to people who don't know or don't care what I'm talking about.
Real quick background: The Mitchell Report was an independent study done by a Senator was nominated for Chief Justice but declined it because of health reasons (hows that credibility for ya) done at the request of Major League Baseball to show the scope of the performance enhancement drug culture in baseball. Over 80 players were named in various levels of usage and of steroids, Human Growth Hormone and other stuff. Many were already speculated. What makes this report pretty amazing is how he got absolutely no cooperation for the Major League Baseball Players Association and only 1 player who was forced to give his testimony that has felony implications if he lies.
So what does this study tell us? Well it tells us that baseball players were cheating because if you aren't cheating you aren't trying. Everyone is looking for an edge. Baseball is a reflection of our society. Look at the lending industry, look at all the reporting fraud done in corporate america, look at MBAs cheating in school... Everyone is striving to be great at any cost.
But this is what I don't get. If someone says to me, if you take this stuff you will go from good to great. If you are great it will take you from great to the greatest of all time. You will make hundreds of millions of dollars. You will probably take 15 years off your life though... Yeah no question. I'll take the years and I'll take 'mediocrity'. Money comes and go but years don't come back. Like 2pac said, 'fuck the money and fame, I'm a simple man'
I'd rather have those years at the end of my life enjoying Grandchildren and hopefully great-grand children and sharing my knowledge and wisdom with others and trying to achieve salvation.
Now I might need a shot of HGH to get me up tomorrow morning but hey I'll take my own performance enhancement drug. Black coffee with 3 sugars/ splendas and doing it the right way...
Girls always tell me how their space heater is the best thing since the magic bullett. And I have to agree that warmth is pretty amazing. This winter I bought one and I love it. There's one thing, I can't scientifically prove it but I think the cold ages, that and guilt. Even here in the West Coast where it its freezing at night and after 11am its perfect, this cold makes me want to curl up in a ball next to the space heater and wait until its warm again.
I've been saying this for more than a year now, its inevitable and its the future and we will going green if we want to or not. I hate it when these things become fads though. When I was at the LA Auto Show every single company has a hybrid. I think hybrids are sweet as hell. But really, I thought about the financial aspect of it all and I came to this realization, unless you have the extra money to spend on a hybrid just to drive a luxury vehicle then you're really not doing much to help the environment. To explain it quickly, you're spending roughly $4K-$12K more for a car that gets not that much better mileage. Like a Chevy Tahoe currently gets 11-13 mpg, and a hybrid gets 17. So what, big deal. I don't think its worth it. If you want to get a hybrid, the only ones that make environmental sense and economical sense is one of the following; Accord, Civic, Camry, Corolla, and Prius. For SUVs I would say Ford Escape. So my dream of a Lexux hybrid is pretty much on hold until they make some major improvements.
Anyways, how I got onto cars I'm not sure. But I still want to open a consulting company focusing strictly on Green startups and existing greenies. And now that I've got a methodology behind what I'm doing maybe I can actually get into this thing before it passes me by... Where does the time go?
No just today but all week. I feel really strange at times. You know there is one thing that I've always wanted to say, but once you say it, its like, people will probably look at me crazy. Its not even coming off crazy, its just when you say something you can't take it back, and when its something that means a lot to you but can't really explain then you better just keep it to yourself so it doesn't lose its impact.
I've been so out of touch with India. Note to self: Get on top of that.
Hi Amit
How are you?I have seen your pics and let me tell you , you look dashing.......a real punjabi Indian!!!!!!!!
I was expecting you this December as it had been 2yr weh u last came and ur trip was due again .
I have left ICICI bank and joined Computer Sciences Corporation in Noida.Its a USA based comapny with head office in Dallas and is into IT sector.
Wat abt you, life,work,study and love...........????????
Love
Your Sis
Tanu
If i just held in everything that could possibly harm somebody's feelings I think my head would explode by next Tuesday. Seriously, I thought about it, Tuesday.... You know, my overactive brain is soooo good at my job but it can hurt people. I in my head I don't think that what I'm saying is hurtful to others, its just how I see it. So I remember in high school I mentioned to a friend that he could do better than his current girlfriend. And this wasn't a mere superficial standpoint, this guy was with the wrong girl entirely and she was not a nice person from all my encounters with her which was 3 days a week for lunch since our sister high school were the only days we had a coed lunch period. Well I went over the top and I said she looked kinda like a goat.... He broke up with her a week later and I felt as guilty as anyone could feel.
Yeah, I'm piece of shit. I took it too far and I didn't could have gotten my point across a lot better. At times I can be so pure with my language and others I can't get the words out right and it comes out so bad and people don't understand me. Now, sometimes that language is completely accurate and my thoughts are hurtful and it puts me in this weird place where I don't know what to think. Am I Darth Vader?
I could go into this whole soliloquy about the whole good/bad, Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker and how to do the right thing you have to do some things that people interpret as bad but your intentions never changed... but in the end you changed because of those decisions... I don't know wha tto think about things and if my thoughts are concoctions or theyre legitmate psychological responses to the given circumstances. I don't even want to talk about it.
I am a gunslinger by nature. I shoot from the hip and I do it because it needs to be done. I count the shells afterwards. I've gotten wiser and learned how to bite the bullet (see how I tied all those metaphores together?) BUT when I do shoot from the hip or off at the mouth the consequences seem to be much greater. Most people love my style and know me for my good nature.
xxxx said, huh ... okay, interesting...that they would do that...not like them
and anyone who knows you, knows that you only have good intentions in mind ...
i never seems so
Its been 1 year, like I've mentioned several times now. My memory when it comes to that relationship is pretty clear. And recently found out through the most unlikely of ways is that i was the 'rebound relationship'. If I try to explain it to you wouldn't undertand and be board but fallback career is CSI or DA because I can put things together pretty well. My math is really off or I was lied to or something wasn't told to me but I was told that when we first started dating that she had been broken up with this guy for more than a year when we started dating. Well from what I gather, which could be entirely wrong, she was still with him 6 months before we even met. Which means during that time theres the break up the get back together the break up and getting over the person.
Suddenly, it all seems so clear. I was just a rebound guy. That's why things moved so quickly and thats why it got so serious so fast. I could've been anybody. That relationship had a time bomb on it from the beginning and I didn't even know it. Now I see how I went from being 'amazing' to only having all the flaws in me. I think at times when she was mad at me for things, I think she was mad at herself too. Everybody wants to be loved and everybody seeks it out in some form. A lot of people coming out of a long-term relationship after being dumped go to the rebound. Its a pretty big revelation for me.
Links to articles:
http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/singles/onthepull/ontherebound
http://www.faceromance.com/rebound-dating-relationship-mistakes/
I've been in an emotional wreck over the last year trying to figure out what happened. I've been up and down, still holding out hope that light would shine on me and the reasons for all this would be clear. I tried to get back to that particular happy place in many different ways and I couldn't. I even convinced her to work with me on a project hoping that this light would shine down and at least come to at least some understanding.
Unlucky/lucky for me I met someone who wasn't a rebound relationship but more like the best thing that ever happened to me. 1 year later and I'm still talking about this as if it so recent. Can anyone imagine how important this person was to me? What can I say to that? There's no point to harbor any ill-will or resentment. Perhaps I should have been more careful, more alert as to why things were happening.
There was even a time in October, where we had a conversation where my walls came down when she was doing that thing she did to me... It was eerily similar to a point when we were close. I didn't know what to think as it was happening and I wasn't sure if things were changing but I did know it was out of my control. I just had to be ready for the worst. I don't how that conversation even happened or why it happened from her end. Its been bugging me, because it went from that conversation into an almost disgust for me. I was a pest, a nuisance after that (her words not mine).
Well, it is my goal to find that type of relationship again. But in this world those kinds of relationships are extremely rare. Once again, its about keeping faith... I need a drink.
Look, Real Talk:
This blog is all about me documenting the unending monologue that runs in my head. It has to come out one way or another and perhaps this is the most productive. The second part of that is that I hope someone reads here and in some shape or form is inspired, is touched, is amused, is entertained, is interested. On a deeper level, I really hope that someone reads this and goes, yeah I got, I know what you're going through. I can empathise with you. I can see who you are really, thanks for being you!
And I really get little back from anyone so I have to ask myself is this blog doing enough for me? Maybe not. But I'll continue to write here hoping that it does.
As I was driving into work this morning to listening to sports radio the commercials came on. Usually I tune these commercials out seeing they have no relevance to me. I don't need to consolidate my debt, I don't need a free credit report, I'm not gambling on sports right now so no need for the hotline to get a free pick on Monday night's game, and I definitely don't have erectile disfunction (E.D.) So this guy was giving his testimonial for some ED company and he said me and my partner have no problems now, which raised my attention. Then he said she's completely satisfied. And I was like oh. Do gay guys have ED? That I wonder...
Those memories are as stubborn as the two of us on an issue. They won't go away and find a place somwhere in my mind. What I find to be a tragedy is that we couldn't continue those memories. I missed out on seeing her grow as a person and seeing me grow too. I'm not part of her life and thats a tragedy to me. I'm not there to pick her up when shes down and shes not there to make me smile. In those akward silences on the phone, most of them I was just smiling, enjoying her company over the phone. I don't know about her accomplishments and her obstacles. Its tough thinking where things would have gone, because so much changed in my life. At one point I was really close to moving to the east coast or to the south!!
What I miss...
I miss the late night phone conversations and having her fall asleep on me. It was even better in person.
I miss hearing her call me by her nicknames for me. It always seemed to give me a boost of confidence.
I miss her worrying about me and taking care of me. She was good at it.
I miss the expected smooches, especially the unexpected ones.
I miss her surprising me and always impressing me with what she could do and what she knew and how she handled situations.
I miss seeing that sparkle in her eyes and the way she looked at me. I could get lost in her eyes they were so deep and embracing.
I miss her always keeping me close. Touching me softly wrapping her feet around my leg when we ate out. She took a strong and powerful young man and made him better.
I miss her needing me. I miss how she made me feel.
The last year some worldy power has kept me away from certain people and away from situations and got me on track with a lot of things. I just don't know where its leading and I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what its all leading to. The signs, keep pushing my thoughts in a certain way even when I don't want them to. Its a phenomenon on its own right. But its all for a reason. Onward and upward is what they say. But I'll always wonder....
Yes wasting, my time. If you're reading this possibly wasting yours.
This weekend marks one year exactly (I'm pretty sure) from the last weekend I spent as the significant other of a very, very special person to me. Unbelievable. Its unbelievable on how my life was then and how it is now. Boston, bean-town... What a city. My favorite East Coast city. Damn, I wish I could say I was there right now feeling the cold crisp air in my lungs and being overwhelmed visually by the colors and life of the such a historic city that feels more like a town. A commercial hub and in my business, a consulting a hub.
So this weekend is important to me. I'll explain why.
The memories are flowing hard, those perfect moments, those bursts of pure happiness. I have to state for the record, these are my thoughts and my feelings and my interpretation. No one can take it away from me.
Let explain why a 1 year later how I could possibly still have so much feeling for someone who broke my heart. In a psychoanalysis, someone would say that my pride of failing is holding me back. Maybe another view would say that I'm holding on to the best thing that happened to me because I can't see anything else better coming along. A Ph.D would say that I have some serious issues with relationships and I am not moved on because I can not deal with change.
I have my reasons. I know what my heart told me then and I know what I know now...
Those memories are so clear to me. But that is for another post.
