a standstill

I think reached a point with my former, better-half where we just don't talk to each other about things. I still do a little bit but we've both got our walls up. She told me she doesn't trust me because of some things that I said that were supposed TOP SECRET and I didn't know that. I'm starting to ponder my trust in her. Because I've always gone ahead and trusted her and assumed at the same time that she has always been telling me the truth like I have (amazing only because I'm usually very guarded) with her.

But now I wonder if she's lied to me since we've not been together. I also wonder if she ever lied to me when we were together. Depending on if she had lied and to what severity and what subject matter it could really change things. I'm not suspicious I'm just thinking outloud.

It seems now I can literally see her walls up. It puts mine up too. I still share stuff with her but nothing really major. Even though I miss her and want her still to be a major part of my life, I don't want to be a burden on her and I want to be a part of hers too.

It's a much bigger issue and have a separate post somewhere in this blogspot; as much as I was into our relationship I never fully have myself up. Meaning I was about 88% there. A solid b-plus!! I still had some insecurities and secrets I had to work out that she should know about me but that I didn't tell her, yet. There bigger to me than to her knowing but they mean a lot to me and I didn't share them with her because I didn't feel comfortable enough yet and I didn't want to be judged.

I would say she gave up maybe 70%. A lot of things I would ask about her she would not tell me. A lot of things she was not comfortable with and just things she wasn't ready to tell me or trust me with.

Now our communication feels so empty that I'm like, whats the point even.