unfinished business

I really hate to admit that my plant, the most prized of all my possessions could be gone forever. I don’t like to say things are final or forever, but this could be final. I feel unexplainably lonely. Yeah – I lost something dear to me and important to me and possibly the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t have to be alone, but I feel like I am.

I’m 38,000 feet, somewhere above the United States on one of the most turbulent flights I’ve ever been on trying to make sense of all this, STILL. I’ve had a month period in my life where I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonelier. I’ve had good times with my friends and business and other things have been well but this thing has just eaten me up inside.

I’m a grown man, a strong person so how can one small innocent soul bring me to my knees. You know she tried to bring her ex that broke up with her in a similar fashion. She said that broken hearts are a part of life and in those relationships that end; there is one who was more intense than the other. Well, from my own experience and from what she’s told me about that relationship, there’s a difference. I knew and she knew, in those instances that looking down the road things couldn’t work out. It would have to end eventually. In this case, I felt that things could’ve worked and she even told me that she would’ve fallen for me over time, but she’d be giving up too much for that. I can’t hate her, she was too good to me for that.

I have a feeling of unfinished business here. There are so many things that I didn’t get to see from her and with her. Vice-versa. She never got to see me with clear-energized, relaxed mind we were always tired, or in some altered state… That makes me sad. She never got to just waste time with me. Just do things that normal couples do. The long-distance relationship is killer, especially when you start out that way. It became a burden when it was time to leave.

She said she doesn’t feel it anymore. I know that she turned herself off to me. She put herself into operation shutdown and now sees me differently. I’m not going to lie. I hope that she meets other people and she learns more about the world and she opens her heart and mind back up to me in the future. I know that it was stressful for her and she felt like she was compromising too much to be with me. She says she’s happier now and free. Timing is everything. Maybe the timing was bad and perhaps things can be reconciled. I’m not counting on it but I need to keep some hope there. Life is full of beginnings and ends, creations and destructions, hope and despair. And in this defining moment of my life, when things in the world seem dark, I have to put my faith into something good.

I feel like I didn’t get enough of an opportunity to make her happy. I might be my refuse to lose attitude. I just don’t give up on things that easily.

She is a part of my life, there is no denying that. Will it change over time, I’m sure it will. Do I have to accept it? I have to. Sometimes I can’t help but think if I could go back and change a few things, if this would have worked out. It’s part of my nature to question things and regret the past.

I can tell her feelings have changed and its very weird. It was hard for me to handle. I should be content that she is happier now without me but I can’t. I don’t know if that is being selfish or what.

I still feel like things didn’t end right. I have unfinished business that can not be fixed or completed. I have to live with it because it is out of my control. That’s life.