the show must go on

I don't know how this happened to me. This IS NOT me. Before I was just unhappy now I'm depressed. I don't like using that word because it's associated with meds and psychologists and such. I have to use that word, though.

I'm a shell of my former self. It's a combination of so many things and it's not that I'm stuck in a rut, I'm just stuck with no where to go. I'm in auto-pilot coasting through life with no emotion, passion for anything I'm doing. It's dangerous for me because of my involvement with many people and organizations that I could really fuck up my life right now... I realize this but I'm not that concerned.

I feel like what I do, doesn't really matter, my effect is negligible and temporary. My life is dependent on so many other people. My happiness, my success is too dependent on others and.... I'm alone.

It is my biggest insecurity that I'm not good enough for the things that I want out of life. I've tried to conquer my fears and insecurities, but I can't seem to get it right. I've tried to exorcize my deamons but they seem to come back. I really got nothing to hid

I don't have a plan. Every time I have a plan it falls apart. I live on contingencies and I'm fed up. Something's gotta give, right? That's what I keep telling myself. I don't know what my destiny is and I'm not planning on doing anything stupid. I'm just going to keep coasting.

I slowly lost that passion and fire in me to create and develop and make a positive influence in this world. How do I get it back?