it is what it is

ok before i get into my topic for today, i guess it kinda relates...

never lead into a conversation with a girl with "have u gained weight", no matter how u think its coming out (i was trying to give a compliment). i was trying to say that her figure was looking good and for a 5'11" girl whos skinnier than hell, yeah u want her to put on a little weight and fill out, thats all. thats all i meant. i didnt expect tears and me doing repair work the whole nite. ahh but what r friends for.

so when i say "it is what it is", what i mean is that you gotta take things for what they are. pretty simple, but definitely one of the hardest things to do in life.

ive been thinking and talking to a friend about just all that happened and i never really got the credit i deserve. i never got the benefit of the doubt and i was definitely not appreciated fully. not that i look for recognition necessarily, but just some credit or appreciation when it matters. i guess its too late now. those little things were supposed to go a long way.

im not a bad person and i make mistakes just like anyone else. but it seems like in the amount of time i spent in the past relationship together, in person (maybe 8 days total) everything i did was translated into what type of husband i would be. whoah, how did it get to that? i understand girls think that way but u have to give the guy a chance by not magnifying the things that supposedly concern you. here's an incident i can look back on :
because i wanted to pay for parking on a friday nite after a long flight and spend time with my girlfriend rather than drive around trying to find a spot... does that make me lazy and say i give up easily? if it was every weekend and if i didnt value my time so much with her than i wouldnt mind looking for parking, hell, people should see how i park in LA, ill walk 5 blocks if its free. but its like no matter what i did or said that went unnoticed or underappreciated... it is what it is.

i never felt like the things that i accomplished in my life or what i had become had any merit. the sweet things that i did or the little things that i did, in the end didnt really go far. i can do whatever she wants me to do and alot of the time it was just expected, nothing more. i would get a thanks, thats it. i cooked dinner and tried to make it as homie as possible and she was expecting candles and romance and all this other stuff that i couldve done had i know thats what she was expecting. and i cooked! i put my love into that food and thats what i do when i make food for people.

she never really trusted my instincts or experience. all the time i can remember this. i would say something and it go unnoticed or whatever. i do know stuff and i kinda have a borderline genius IQ, and i have seen alot of things and experienced alot in my life as well so u think that could translate into hearing me out once. it went a step further.

she would tell me what i was thinking or how i was acting in situations. and she would be right sometimes, but she would also be wrong sometimes. and its those times when she was wrong that she wouldnt listen to me or hear me out. theres an instance when we were driving around and she accused of me checking out a couple of women walking on the corner. I swear on my life I didnt even get a glimpse of them I was checking the street name but it doesnt matter if I would have told her that. she would say that i was lying and go on. but it is what is.... nothing can change that now.

i opened up like i never have and comprimised on things that i never thought would have. and i didnt do it for her, i did it for myself. of all the negative things that are me, i made myself available for her. i didnt let the distance get between us, i made an extra effort and i did ALOT of things for her. im sure alot of guys would do the same things ive done for a girl, thats part of being in a relationship. it sort of felt natural for me when i thought of myself as having commitment phobia and lack of intimacy.

even though she made me feel very uncomfortable with her long-term thinking/planning and her "making me a part of her life" so early on, i was to feel at ease with it. perhaps the timing for all this was bad. maybe im just got emotional problems and i dont really know what im feeling. maybe it was a moment in time and thats it. i dont know what im trying to say.

i was going to write a year in review covering all the highlights and lowpoints in my life from the past year. problem was i got about august and every accomplishment and failure i had, there was somebody special behind me supporting me, caring for me. all the memorable moments from the last quarter of the year i shared them with someone special.

hell yeah im clingy. wouldnt u hold onto something if it meant that much to you? if was worth all the trials and tribulations, the distance? all this happened to me unexpectedly and i could be wrong about this whole thing. but if im right, then what? i know i dont have any control anymore over this path. like i keep saying it is what it is...

look, this blog isn't about taking personal shots at her or anyone else. it isn't about me voicing an opinion to her without her getting a voice. this about me getting out my frustration and anger and pain in a healthy way. its also for me to do soul searching and let me dwell on the last few months of my life. its hard to move on when things change out of ur control, but its impossible when u dont want to either. thats the honesty here. what am i supposed to want to move on to??

oy. it is what it is...

it is what it is