The Real Desi.com

I forgot that this website was still around. They have some very eloquently, thoughtful articles written by people with some great vision. Check out this article I think it applies to some degree to everyone.



The Ex Factor - Part 2 of Last Month's Article: The Break-Up

by Shweta Arora

Desi Break upWe all have a dusty old book that we have put away on a shelf. We look at it every now and then, sometimes even reminisce about the different chapters, but know not to take it off the shelf…then one day you get that phone call, and before you know it the book is open in your hands asking you, “what will you will write as the next chapter?”

When you break up with somebody, you think that’s the end. You’ll probably never speak to them again. Either they will hate you or you hate them. For some though, that book never really has an ending. Regardless of whether the relationship ended amicably or not, whether someone cheated or not, and whether they dumped you or you dumped them, someone makes the phone call. Many times it is just to see how the other person is doing. Sometimes though, the loneliness is too hard and you revert back, even though you know the relationship will not go anywhere
With any argument or disagreement, sometimes it’s best to just walk away, at least for a little while. It is no different with a break-up. In fact, it is actually necessary. Both parties need the break to heal and in some cases find themselves again. Personally, as difficult as that time is and as hard as it is to be alone, I look at it as a time to redefine who I am.

The post break-up time frame is a time for reflection. When we’re in our early twenties, most of us don’t look at things with such depth. As we begin to approach our thirties, we begin to think about and plan our future. Things tend to take a more serious ambiance whether we like it or not. It’s no longer just about good looks and fast cars; it’s about finding the right life partner. I believe every person that comes into our life (good or bad), has come to teach us some lesson about ourselves. With an ex, this is even truer. Each relationship we are in, that does not work, is only preparing us for the real thing. The post break-up time period allows us the time to reflect on the good/bad traits, characteristics, habits we look for in a partner as well as those we portray ourselves.

Let’s say you’ve moved on though. You’ve taken the break from talking to each other. You’re over the hurt and anger. Now what? Can you be friends with an ex? Of course you can; but the relationship with an ex is all dependant on the circumstances of the break-up; the length of the relationship, how serious the relationship was, etc. That’s the easy part. Things can get pretty sticky though, when you add a new girlfriend/boyfriend to the pot. Can the friendship with an ex continue and should it?

You must realize, no matter how close of a friend you are with an ex, your new significant other will impact that friendship. The first stages of a new relationship are already fragile. You’re trying to define the dynamics of the relationship. Both parties are trying to figure out where things are going. There may also be some insecurity; does he/she feel the same way? The beginning of a relationship is wonderful, but there are a lot of emotions in the air. These feelings will undoubtedly be affected by an ex being tossed into the mix.

It’s important to balance the new girlfriend/boyfriend with the ex. Meaning, in order to continue a relationship with the new, you will need to include him/her on activities involving the old. Doubt is an innate characteristic in humans. No matter how secure your significant other may feel, if you do not include him/her when dealing with your ex, doubt will inevitably kick in. In order to prevent the ugliness of such a situation, it is better to be proactive in your approach regarding your ex.

Unfortunately, women tend to be clingier when they’re insecure and when it comes to ex- girlfriends. Maybe that’s because we know how women can be. Men on the other hand just distance themselves if they feel insecure. Just remember if you’re the new girlfriend/boyfriend, implementing stipulations on your boyfriend/girlfriend regarding their ex, it will only cause resentment. You’ll be setting yourself up for a lose-lose situation. If you’re the ex, you’ll have to accept that your friendship will change. You have to acknowledge the new man/woman in your ex’s life and understand the new guidelines of your friendship.
Your ex can become a factor in your relationship, but to what extent, is all dependent upon you. Just remember maintaining balance is extremely important when bringing people together who are connected because of you.