what i learned in 2006

what i learned is that nobody knows...

you can have a plan to say you're going to do this or that but nobody knows. you say will end up here but you never do. im just making this shit up as i go along.

the other most important thing i learned was what Ankur told me. Regardless of everything else that i felt or that other people told me he said it simply, "you need a chick thats got ur back"

at first i was like yeah, yeah i didnt know what that meant, but the more he told me and more things go along he's right. i was confusing someone doing things out of guilt for getting my back. i know who's got me when it counts.

ill see in you 2007

dont forget ur happyslip

omg, this chick is way too funny, i guess u have to filipino people but even so i think everyone can find the humor

www.happyslip.com

blue velocity consulting

Starting businesses and building ideas and concepts is the most fun and rewarding thing to do, atleast one of them. Today I spent a couple hours working on my new business, a consulting practice. I love it.

I can't begin to tell you how it feels. But the future prospects the potential is just amazing. It's fuel for your spirit. It's like when you're on vacation and you're driving in a taxi to your hotel and you just can't wait to get out, so full of energy.

im writing this to you

I can say I have an audience and a following. But I write for 2 people...

Happy Festivus!!

There's a festivus for the rest of us. X-mas time this year is family time for most people. Not only because we have holidays to spend this time with out loved ones, but it's a merry time for all, right??

Not that I don't enjoy this time of the year, but I'm just not into the gift giving and everything. All our families came from other countries and ours came from India. Everybody has to assimilate and we pick up the things we want to be a part of. As a kid I did the tree thing and the present thing and it's not that I don't do it now or that I don't like to do it. I just don't always like doing what everyone else is doing. I'll take gifts though!

It is supposed to be better to give then to receive, anyways. I don't want to be the grinch and I don't be a negative person saying celebrate christmas for the rights reasons if you believe it. So I'm changing my attitude to indifferent and taking in the holiday spirit as other people posesse it.

I'll be spending xmas day alone this year. That might change later but right now I'm here and it does bother me that I'm not with my family, but I have another blog for that specific topic. It's definitely alright though to be alone if it can't be any other way.

my unsualness

What is it you said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place... and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently... if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit.

So today, I made some spontaneous decisions. I was supposed to go see Rocky Balboa tonight with Cameron but I decided at 4PM that I wanted to go to the 4:40 show, by myself... So I looked up the times, drove to the movie theatre and sat in half-empty theatre and got the closure on the Rocky series like I and others always wanted to get. I wanted to see a movie by myself since I had never done that and I wanted to see a movie that I really wanted to see - by myself. I wanted to NOT share a special moment with anyone. I wanted to know what it felt like by msyelf. It was unique. I know what you all are thinking: "Dude Rocky? Are you serious?"

Yes I am. I grew up on Rocky just like 2 or 3 other generations of American males. The underdog story, the guy who wasnt smart enough, fast enough, big enough, just plain not good enough to be the Champion of the world but defied conventional logic and physical limitations with heart and courage and persistence.

I definitely gained something out of this. Not only did I get the closure but I learned alot about myself just sitting in that theatre. I realized that she had released all my emotions that I had kept inside me. The same emotions that I controlled with my focus and passion to be successful. It was the chip on my shoulder.

I also realized that my happiness comes in moments, and periods of time. I've been content for a long time. I have been content. I am content right now. When I'm content I'm not satisfied with things; I know things can be better and I want them to be better but it's not a going to change how i was in the moment. I was content with her. But here is the difference and something very significance. Even though I felt content, I was at peace. Does that make sense? I know things were hard because of the distance and limited time and other certain things but I was happy at times and nothing less that content the rest of the time.

Ok my eyes are closing and I got a big day before I head out to Vegas tomm.

15 straight!!!

The Suns won their 15th straight game. Expectations were stacked high and the Suns (with a very tough schedule going against them) lost 5 of their first 6 games. People started to doubt and everybody thought things were falling apart. And then Phoenix Suns some how pulled it together to win 17 of the next 18 games. That doesn't happen in the NBA anymore, wtf??

It's crazy how sports and a team's triumphs can lift people up. I love what's going on with Saints in New Orleans. Even though things aren't all good in the city people have rallied around this team and their lifting the spirits of the community. Even if it's a Sunday for 3 hours people are not thinking about their house that was destroyed or the family members they never found.

On a completely separate note. I'm starting to understand how deep I got into this relationship. I wasn't ready for my life to change in the beginning and I'm not ready for it to change again. The timing of this is extremely difficult because there so much change going on in my life and I'm struggling to keep afloat. Good thing I didn't get that Christmas present I was planning on getting...

I'm supposed to spending this time going through my heart and my head figuring out what the hell to do and I'm avoiding it. Tommorrow I'll be stronger. Tonight I hide behind my work and friends and whatever I can hide behind.

The Real Desi.com

I forgot that this website was still around. They have some very eloquently, thoughtful articles written by people with some great vision. Check out this article I think it applies to some degree to everyone.



The Ex Factor - Part 2 of Last Month's Article: The Break-Up

by Shweta Arora

Desi Break upWe all have a dusty old book that we have put away on a shelf. We look at it every now and then, sometimes even reminisce about the different chapters, but know not to take it off the shelf…then one day you get that phone call, and before you know it the book is open in your hands asking you, “what will you will write as the next chapter?”

When you break up with somebody, you think that’s the end. You’ll probably never speak to them again. Either they will hate you or you hate them. For some though, that book never really has an ending. Regardless of whether the relationship ended amicably or not, whether someone cheated or not, and whether they dumped you or you dumped them, someone makes the phone call. Many times it is just to see how the other person is doing. Sometimes though, the loneliness is too hard and you revert back, even though you know the relationship will not go anywhere
With any argument or disagreement, sometimes it’s best to just walk away, at least for a little while. It is no different with a break-up. In fact, it is actually necessary. Both parties need the break to heal and in some cases find themselves again. Personally, as difficult as that time is and as hard as it is to be alone, I look at it as a time to redefine who I am.

The post break-up time frame is a time for reflection. When we’re in our early twenties, most of us don’t look at things with such depth. As we begin to approach our thirties, we begin to think about and plan our future. Things tend to take a more serious ambiance whether we like it or not. It’s no longer just about good looks and fast cars; it’s about finding the right life partner. I believe every person that comes into our life (good or bad), has come to teach us some lesson about ourselves. With an ex, this is even truer. Each relationship we are in, that does not work, is only preparing us for the real thing. The post break-up time period allows us the time to reflect on the good/bad traits, characteristics, habits we look for in a partner as well as those we portray ourselves.

Let’s say you’ve moved on though. You’ve taken the break from talking to each other. You’re over the hurt and anger. Now what? Can you be friends with an ex? Of course you can; but the relationship with an ex is all dependant on the circumstances of the break-up; the length of the relationship, how serious the relationship was, etc. That’s the easy part. Things can get pretty sticky though, when you add a new girlfriend/boyfriend to the pot. Can the friendship with an ex continue and should it?

You must realize, no matter how close of a friend you are with an ex, your new significant other will impact that friendship. The first stages of a new relationship are already fragile. You’re trying to define the dynamics of the relationship. Both parties are trying to figure out where things are going. There may also be some insecurity; does he/she feel the same way? The beginning of a relationship is wonderful, but there are a lot of emotions in the air. These feelings will undoubtedly be affected by an ex being tossed into the mix.

It’s important to balance the new girlfriend/boyfriend with the ex. Meaning, in order to continue a relationship with the new, you will need to include him/her on activities involving the old. Doubt is an innate characteristic in humans. No matter how secure your significant other may feel, if you do not include him/her when dealing with your ex, doubt will inevitably kick in. In order to prevent the ugliness of such a situation, it is better to be proactive in your approach regarding your ex.

Unfortunately, women tend to be clingier when they’re insecure and when it comes to ex- girlfriends. Maybe that’s because we know how women can be. Men on the other hand just distance themselves if they feel insecure. Just remember if you’re the new girlfriend/boyfriend, implementing stipulations on your boyfriend/girlfriend regarding their ex, it will only cause resentment. You’ll be setting yourself up for a lose-lose situation. If you’re the ex, you’ll have to accept that your friendship will change. You have to acknowledge the new man/woman in your ex’s life and understand the new guidelines of your friendship.
Your ex can become a factor in your relationship, but to what extent, is all dependent upon you. Just remember maintaining balance is extremely important when bringing people together who are connected because of you.

i call this group therapy

I use this blog as my group therapy but then again I don't hear anything back from anyone. The people in Westford, Nashua, and Lawrence read the blog and I hope they are getting something out of it. I know I definitely am. Obviously LA is my big hit but I international reach in Germany and Bombay. I can check through my google analytics account. I would highly suggest it for anyone wanting to track stats on a website or webpage.

Anyways, back to my boring usualy topic of dealing with my relationship that just ended. I'm taking some time to not even talk or communicate with her so that I can figure how things are without her. It might sound like I have the right idea, but my intentions sound strange. Basically, the whole idea is her and I both to search our hearts and make sure that that it is what it is. I would rather her be happier with someone else if I make can't make her happy enough. It's a no-brainer for me. I know things would have be

I know I can't convince her that things will work out. I can't make her see that people comprimise if that person is worth it. If its not worth it, its not worth it. Its a tough pill to swallow but I'm washing it down with a glass of wine as we speak... LOL. I've said my piece over and over and internally I know won't accept that things don't work because people are different. I wouldn't be alive if that were true.

Anyways, its like that part of the movie when the something bad happens to the hero where the bad stuff happens the guy changes forever. And then he goes on a rampage and things end up alright in the end but obviously its not the same... Well the rampage im sure won't be like in the Rambo movies but it will be like a combination of partying, spiritual growth, business success etc... Some may sound contradicting but it comes in phases.

my favorite song

anyboyd who knows me, knows ive been rocking this depeche mode jam for a year and a half nonstop


Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

change

CHANGE

I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?


Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

way to go Ezster!

My once very close friend in college Eszter burned bridges with her flakiness and drug use. She disappeared from all of us and lost our friendships. Well I'm glad that she has put things together and I'm proud of all shes done to get her life on track.

Life After the L Word

Body: Four months ago, on August 15th, my life changed. My three year relationship with a person who I now know to be an insecure, selfish, and manipulative excuse for a human being came to an explosive end when he did the unthinkable and ultimately pushed me over the edge. I walked out on my new job, abandoned all hope, and saw no end in sight as my life spiraled out of control.

For almost two months, I really didn't think I was going to make it, and I didn't care one way or the other. Quite honestly, I never expected what everyone else saw coming from a distance, and pretty much from day one of what I once thought was a fairy tale romance. At the time, I was crushed.... totally defeated, or so I thought. I'd been tricked into believing that I had sabotaged what could have been, and it took most of those four months for me to retrace my steps, realize my mistakes, and regain my footing.

I start a new job on Monday. It may not be my dream job, but it's one of many steps I've taken, one at a time, in the right direction. Slowly, but with a renewed confidence and a newly heightened sense of who I am, I have begun to reclaim my identity, bit by bit. For three years I suppressed my aspirations, alienated most of my friends, and sacrificed so much for so little without realizing that all along I'd been digging my own grave, and one which I almost fell right fell into willingly.

But here I am. I survived. And I've actually come to accept, and even embrace the scars, the memories, the repercussions.... all of it. I am a stronger person for it, I am a better person for it, but I didn't, and couldn't have done it without the support of my family and friends. To those who reached out, thank you for your kind words and wishes, your patience and tolerance, and your willingness to communicate with someone on the verge of clinical psychosis (or so I'm told). And to those who watched the train wreck in silence,.... PLEASE DON'T FEEL BAD. I've gone back and reread some of my suicidal rants, and they scare me too.

Next on my checklist is finding a new place to live that's close to work, close enough to my family, and as far away from the source of my pain as I can get. So basically, somewhere in The Valley, and with a roommate who understands that my cat's life far outweighs hers. And somewhere NOT in Venice, where my once perfect beach apartment sits vacant and paid for, and will remain nearly vacant but paid for until March 1st. Venice, unfortunately, lost its appeal at the hands of one very unappealing resident I hope to never run into again.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

E

chasing cars

How am i supposed to feel? We're supposed to push through in times of crisis or times of despair so that's what I'm doing? Is there something wrong with that? Whatever I got to do I got to do.
Then I get stuff like this:

If there ever comes a day when we can't
be together, keep me in your heart,
i'll stay there forever."_winnie the pooh

Why can't she just let me be??

its been 1 day

I was a single for a long time. I met alot of girls and I couldn't connect with them. Not that I was looking for a connection but it just didn't happen. At 25, with my experience and with all that I've been through and all that I know, I know what I want and what I don't want.

It's a workable idea but it took me alot of dates, alot of time and energy spent causually and noncasually to see in my mind what I wanted and what was good for me. I try to look at all her flaws and all the negatives I could think of to force myself to cut her out of my heart. I tried to listen to reason and the harsh side of reality but I just can't do it.

She might be on the market already and have cut me out and pushed aside all the feelings that were there for me, but I can't do that. She might see me as a "friend" now and someone frin the past. In life we can only stress about things that we can control, right?

I can't even control my feelings for her. It might've been just 4 months and it might've been maybe less than a week of time together in person... but it definitely doesn't feel that way for me. I don't want to say it was a lifetime of emotion but I made an extra effort and I did what I could to make this the best thing I've been involved in. At times it was even too much for me to be involved in.

Things that bother me the most... Will I ever see her again? Are all the good times and memories that we shared just memories now, nothing more- nothing less? Is she happier now without me?

But then again its only been one day. RIGHT?? :(

oh.....right

This was a first for me. I had a dream that was so real that everything seemed normal and good in life. Nothing in particular stood except the company I kept. All the bad that happened was a distant memory and a stepping stone to something greater. I was happy, content, satisfied... and then I woke up confused and disoriented. Then everything hit me, oh.... right

stop reading my blog

u know what hurts???

"back on the market"

imagine someone says that the day they break up with u. that shows u who they aren't who u thought they were

the plant was killed

dont be alarmed if my words cause any hurt... thats just reality setting in... my words and my blogs are meant to tell things from my vantage point, if they offend anyone or hurt their feelings I am sorry. this disclaimer is retroactive as of today.

sorry

For anybody who actually reads this blog I hope that I don't across as some bitter, broken-hearted fool whose problems are worse than yours or anything else going on in the world. This hopefully will put an end to this issue, and my last relationship which is over. I need to get this off my chest before I get back into my work.

Nothing makes logical sense. At the same time she has strong feelings for me, she can't see herself spending the rest of her life with me? WHOAH... I haven't drawn any conclusions on that subject yet she has been able to do that on the limited time that we've spent together in 4 months. She tells me I deserve the best and that is not her. She says she doesnt see things working, but she wants maintain a friendship with me. Do these sound contradicting at all?

Do these statements, objectively sound like something coming from a stable person?? I don't think so. She says she doesnt to want prolong something that isn't going to work out because she knows it wont and it will be harder later to break it off. Ok that's fine, but the differences that existed between us were known from the beginning. I don't care what anybody says, those were accepted in the beginning and they can't be brought up later just because it bugs her.

I don't get it, if I'm such a good person and she has strong feelings for me and I make her happy then why would she in her right mind leave it? She says she doesn't want to lose me, yet she is no longer with me. Well let me ask you, why would leave somebody? Here are my answers...

1- You think there is something better out there. There might be, but there is no guarantee that there is and if it doesnt work out then you end up settling anyways.
2- You're young and have options and choices and you're venturing out of college into this new world and want to explore it and whatever. Ok thats fine, but don't get involved with somebody just so they can be the stable force to bridge the gap for you. Especially if that person really cares about that person and is willing to do anything for them. It's a dangerous situation
3- You lost the ability to make rational decisions. In that case get your self some mental health.
3- What your saying is lies. Nice knowing you. Karma's a bitch.

So many girls play this game and they all end up calling themselves stupid in the end. You'd be suprised but I've had enough girls tell me they were stupid because they were in insecure and unsure about what and who they wanted. Some of them got back what they wanted when they figured it out and others weren't so lucky.

We're on 2 different pages but if she is not willing to make an effort to see if things will work out because she doesnt want the heartache and she doesn't think its going to work, I can't change her mind. I've tried...

I have to start over. I wish I didn't rely on her for support, for a smile, for comfort. After 6 years of the single life, I had reached a level of happiness and I know I can maintain that even alone. After being with somebody that meant so much to me I don't know how I can do this again. The people that keep rebuilding their homes and their lives after hurricanes hit have more faith than me. They keep starting over and they keep hoping it doesn't get destoyed again.

This time I'm moving. It's not that this is the last time or that this hurt more than others. It's because the quality of this person makes me think that anybody is capable of anything. If you open up to somebody like that it goes terrible out of your control than you really don't have anywhere else to turn.

If there are any guys reading this out there that know me and all this is a complete shock to them. I just want them to know that I'm just as vulnerable as the next even though I might put on a front and carry myself a certain way. This is all real yo, and I hope that you can atleast respect that I'm sharing this with the world wide web.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye has always been one of the toughest things for me. I know alot of people have this problem too. We latch on and we don't want to think that this is goodbye. Our instincts are to delay the sorrowness of saying goodbye to someone or something to protect ourselves.

I like denial, if you don't say goodbye or you don't have a formal goodbye then things are still open. "Until we meet again..." Its the hardest when you don't know when you will meet again. We've all had to come to terms with loved ones passing away, friends leaving the country or going somewhere where we will not see them, ending relationships with significant others. They all are very similar if you don't have control in your relationship.

Let me talk about the latter. I don't want to say goodbye, but I don't have control. It's really like, are you willing to live for a dream or are you willing to die for it? (living meaning trying to work through the pain and suffering to see it through if it can be / dying meaning ending it so that the dream can live on in another form)

You really don't know how far you will go when you know someone you care about needs something from you until you reach that point of no return. I'd be willing to do anything now, before I wasn't so sure I don't think because I wasn't sure what she would do for me. Now I know that it's not a contest or a battle of wills, I would do it because it needed be done, all egos aside.

The memories sometimes have to get us through things. Moving forward and having faith that things on the horizon aren't bad, but good makes life and everything worthwhile.

The relationship I knew, might be over. If I could make things work out then I would do it but it doesn't seem like I can do anything more. My relationship was my most prized posession. I think alot of people think of it that way conciously but it is a posession, not the person itself. It's like a plant you can do to much to kill it by showering it with too much of what is good for it. You can also kill it by not cultivating and it doing what is necessary to make it grow. You can also put a plant in a bad environment or a bad time and no matter what do you do it whithers away...

differences

the differences between people sometimes seem to the be end of things. End of relationships, the end friendships, then end of partnerships, everything. I know that we all see things differently and I know that we all wish that people would see things our way. But the thing that I am most happy for in my life is meeting people with differences. I gained so man opportunities to grow and change my perception because I got to see something that I had never seen before and never would have gotten the chance to.

We all have to evolve and we all have to accept others view points. If we are lucky they will change our view points and make us better people. I can say 3 things about myself.

1: I am stubborn, I am cocky and I love to win and be successful especially when haters can see it. I hate change. I do get bitter but I get determined that is who I am.

2: I want to be a better person no matter how good or how comfortable I think I am right now. I have a short temper and as my mom tells me, I come on very strong.

3: I have been changing and I am flexible. I might have written the 10 Amit Commandments yesterday but I will make them 8 on given moment. I am unpredictable and ever-changing and I hope that change is an improvement.

I know some people hate me out there for whatever reason or disagree with me. I encourage it because only with great conflict can things change. I forget who said that but since I don't know quote me.

Life's a whore

That's what my bestfriend told me today.

The person that I was currently seeing changed our relationship tonight. I still have a very heavy heart but I know that will be ok. It was very intense 4 months but I can say that I was always myself. She's telling me things are different but I don't think they are.

I've tried to get inside her head to see if I can figure it out. But I know she's scared and I know that she really, really cares about me. I know how I feel and I know that, that isn't going to change right now. That's what makes this so hard for me. I don't usually open up like this and I don't make strong connections.

Everything was good Monday, Tuesday things were discussed. Thursday the train wrecked. I am a fighter and a scrapper and I will do anything for her. But out of respect to her I am going to do anything right now.

Changes were made and I had no control over them. My heart tells me one thing and her head says something else, but her heart isn't decided? Does that mean that she is right or I am right? Can we both be right?

I wish I could go back and fix all the things that I've done wrong and fix them now. Would it even matter now?